All’s fair in love and war. So said John Lyly, 16th century poet, novelist, playwright, and slightly bitter romantic who got passed over for his ideal job twice and spent much of his adult life dancing with poverty and debt. John had a lot to say about love, sadly most of it is mistakenly attributed to Shakespeare who rocked up not long afterwards and stole all the thunder.
It’s a phrase I’ve never given much thought to, and after the teeniest bit of thought I’m still undecided on where I stand on it. Is it merely a get out of jail free card for folks who don’t want to feel guilty about cheating on their partners, lying about their height on dating apps? Or is it a fundamental truth that creatures of all sorts will indulge in skullduggery and deception to get their lusty groove on? Science says it is nearly ALL creatures that ignore ethics in the pursuit of carnal joys, even amongst penguins, those paragons of everlasting love, there are some who merrily play pass-the-partner from year to year. Crow funerals frequently turn into crow orgies, sometimes even the deceased participates. Cuddly pandas, that are thought to be positively prudish in captivity, are complete shag monsters out in the wild! ‘Tis true, groups of males duke it out to see who gets to entertain the local femme fatale for the afternoon, the winner ‘entertains’ as much as forty times in one day.
Sexual duplicity in the animal kingdom is a topic that can keep me fascinated for hours, and certainly gets me some mixed reactions at parties if I can find a way to wrangle it into conversation, but everyone has a favorite deviant and mine is the absolute master of duplicitous schemes, the glorious cuttlefish.
In the cuttlefish world, there are roughly ten males to every female. Let us imagine a scuzzy nightclub, underwater, and picture a lone woman – who happens to be a cuttlefish, see picture for reference – happily bobbing her many appendages in time with the music.
Now imagine a bunch of cuttlefish blokes around her. There’s Bodger, Dodger, Codger, Slogger, Blogger, Lil’ Todger, Big Todger, The Lodger, Tarquin, and Dave. They are employing various tactics to impress the lady, a discerning fish with an interest in vintage Italian Vespas. Her name is Mavis, but childhood pals still call her Wavy Mavy.
Bodger, Slogger, Codger, Lil’ Todger, Blogger, and The Lodger are engaging in macho intimidating waving of arms and tentacles overseen by Dodger, the alpha male of the group who peaked in high school but hasn’t yet noticed he’s on a downward slide. Dodger will let his friends’ posturing go for a while until they are tired out. He’ll then step in at the last moment to steal victory with some spectacular in-your-face tentacle shimmying because he let all the others do the hard work and hasn’t worn himself out – sneaky bastard. We all know that guy.
During all of this Big Todger is at the bar doing shots and telling a teary eyed lobster that there are plenty more crustaceans in the sea. Tarquin, oblivious to all the fighting and crying, is cheerily spinning in circles on the dance floor and yelling to no fish in particular, “YEEEAH! I call this one the ‘air filter’.” As for Dave.. where is Dave?
Dave is a small cuttlefish. Certainly much scrawnier than Lil’ Todger, positively dwarfed by Big Todger, and has regularly been sat on by Dodger. Dave is not one of those scrappy, determined, have-a-go, cuttlefish. No. Dave is clever, Dave is opportunistic, and Dave is horny.
Dave can see that no man is going to get past the long reach of Dodger’s brawling arms and tentacles. What he needs is a disguise that won’t arouse Dodger’s suspicion, and who could be less threatening that one of Mavy’s gal pals? So Dave nips to the loo – the single stall with the full length mirror – and tucks his male tentacles to make his body look more feminine, and then changes both the color and markings of his skin to match a female. Thus disguised, he saunters past Dodger and the gang, to get close to Mavis.
Now some of you might be thinking, “Hold on, I know this scenario. New girl in the group is going to get accosted by all the reject blokes. Dave is going to be molested by his own friends and found out… or he’s going to get experimental.”
Not so! Dave the cunning cephalopod can not only tuck his tentacles and apply make-up like a boss, but he can also use that fantastically squishy body of his to mimic the shape of a female who is with egg. All the boys back off because.. well I’m not sure why actually. Maybe it’s simply the knowledge that their hopes and dreams of being a baby daddy are not going to happen with this girl.
Anyhoo, Dave manages to sneak past his rivals to Wavy Mavy. Being a pragmatic girl, Mavis is really rather impressed by this brain above brawn approach and ends up getting it on with Dave. Wah hey hey! Afterwards Dave, flabbergasted that this approach worked, sated, and drunk on success, floats off to join Tarquin on the dance floor.
Dodger has not cottoned on to this deception, he sees only that Mavis has been ditched by her up the duff bestie and uses the opportunity to tell Mavis that this is her lucky night… the Dodginator is here to take care of all her reproductive needs.
Here’s where it gets interesting – or more interesting because sneaky cuttlefish sex is fascinating right from the start – Mavis might actually be up for this. Yes, big brains are sexy, but sometimes us girls don’t need to connect on an intellectual level. Ahem.
So Mavis can have sex with Dave, and then with Dodger, and Tarquin if she wants, men who can dance are super attractive, also Big Todger because why not? Each of them will give her a sperm pouch (exactly what it sounds like, a pouch filled with their swimmers) and then – this is so brilliant – then, she can decide whose sperm pouch to use. It’s not arbitrary. Mavis gets to decide whose sperm, if any, she likes best, and use that to fertilize her eggs.
Cuttlefish understand that it is a woman’s right to choose.
